This coming December will be 6 years since my beloved Rob has been gone. Yes, I still call him my beloved Rob. It is incredible how my love for Rob still remains true and strong even though I have been with Steve for almost 4 years, and I love and adore him too.
There are a couple of things, that after coming to terms with, I am going to admit. After being in a loving relationship with a man who had wonderful qualities, you do tend to look for those qualities in a new partner. At first I expected Steve to be a lot like Rob. I actually wanted Steve to be a lot like Rob. I can admit now that I even tried to change Steve to behave like Rob. In hind sight that was a very bad idea because it comes with disappointment, and it was unfair to both me and Steve.
Here I was thinking I was so together, so with the program. I was the one who knew exactly what to expect from a new relationship. I was the widow who would not make the typical mistakes of looking for my deceased husband in another man. I kept telling myself that I understood that Rob was gone, and that I didn’t want anyone like him. I wanted someone different. I even mentioned that in a previous post. Man, I just fooling myself. It became quite clear to me that I, like probably many other widows, was looking for my beloved Rob in another man, and it had taken me over a year into my relationship with Steve to realize that.
I had to put things into perspective. I had to look at Steve, and Steve only. It then dawned on me that Steve was a lot like Rob. He has a kind heart, he is good natured, he is loving and very giving. These are the traits that I would look for in any man, and both Rob and Steve had them. The major differences were temperments. Rob was easy going and soft spoken, and he didn’t have a temper. Steve isn’t as easy going, but he laughs easily and often. Steve does have a temper that sometimes flairs up when he becomes frustrated, but it goes away just as quickly. It took me a while to understand that if I wanted to pursue and continue my relationship with Steve, I had no business comparing him to Rob, even though I continued to tell myself that I wasn’t. It took me a year to finally admit to myself that I was. I had to want this relationship as Darlene and Steve, not as Darlene and Rob.
It felt like a bumpy road off and on for me during the first two years, because I was still getting to know the new me, with a new man, in a new relationship. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. It also came with highs and lows, but the bottom line is, it all paid off.