It’s Been A Year Already!

 

one year ana

It’s so hard to believe that I have been with Steve for one year.  What is so remarkable is that I still love Rob too.  I look at it like this; some of us have more than one child, and we love them all.  There is room in our heart to accommodate everyone.  We may love each child differently, but with the same intensity.  That is how it is with widowhood.  You continue to love your deceased partner, that will never change, but there is room in your heart for your new partner, and you realize that you can love him too.

Being me, I had to wonder; am I still considered a widow now that I am in a new relationship?  After much pondering, I answered my own question by saying, “yes I am”.  I am not married to my new partner, so I don’t have the title of “wife”, but even if I did, I am still the widow of my deceased husband.  How does this whole thing work?  Does it even make a difference?  Is it really that important?  No it’s not.  The most important thing is, is that I was able to start a new life, with a new love, and feel happy once again.  That is what my beloved Rob would have wanted for me.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The New Book Of My Life Is Underway

Happy again

Remember I said that I will not be starting a new chapter in my life, but rather, a new book?  Well my new book is finally getting it’s first chapter.

Just when you think you’ve got the hang of it.  Just when you think you have conquered widowhood, along comes a jolt to once again mix things up.

Here I was thinking that this dating thing is ridiculous.  There is nobody out there for me, and I might as well resign myself to the fact that I am, and always will be a widow.  Then one day along comes a wonderful person.  Well he didn’t just come walking down the street and find me, I actually found him, (and not in the street either), but I had no idea that we were going to actually connect.  I guess those dating sites really work.  The crazy thing is, I truly believe that my beloved Rob had something to do with it.  I think Rob brought this incredible person into my life.

When I first met Steve, I felt an immediate connection, he claims that he did too.  He also told me that he had no explanation for this deep and meaningful connection.  I, of course being me, felt that I needed to consult with a higher power.  I woke up one morning feeling desperate to have some answers.  Is this too soon?  Isn’t there a time line that must be followed before we begin a new relationship?  I begged Rob to give me a sign that this was ok, and that this was what he wanted.  Well, I didn’t realize that was all I needed to do because that very day I received my first sign, and it came directly from Steve.  He said something to me that was word for word what Rob used to say to me.  I burst into tears.  There was my sign, and they didn’t stop there.  They were coming fast and furious.  It was as if Rob was feeding Steve things to say that I would recognize, it was becoming very eery.

I have always trusted Rob as a compassionate man, who always put my feelings first, and here he was doing it again.  Who was I to argue?  So my new book has begun.  It has been one month now, and Steve and I seem to have so much in common, and seem to be very in tuned with each other.

Life is feeling good again.  It’s time to be happy again.  I now have my beloved Rob watching over me, and Steve bringing happiness back into my world.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Time To Share Our Stories

share-story1

As a widow, I have my good days and of course some bad days.  It comes with the territory of widowhood.  Today I was at home in my kitchen, minding my own business, preparing a dinner for my mother and son, a benign activity, and out of nowhere I felt myself starting to cry.  Why in the world does that happen?

Why do we burst into tears when it seems so inappropriate, so random, like when we are washing our face? Believe it or not, I have done that, and I know it’s not because I looked in the mirror and scared myself.

I would love to hear from widows and widowers about their experiences.  How you are coping? What are you doing? Are you also crying into your dinner preparations?  I believe that sharing stories helps us realize that we are not alone, or at the very least, helps us to understand the emotions that we are feeling, and all of this is an important part of the healing process.

I would love to hear your stories, your journey, your thoughts.  Here is the link to my Widowbabe Facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Widowbabe/1483504991878759

Or just type “Widowbabe” in the Search space at the top of your Facebook page, and Widowbabe should come up.

If you would like to share, I look foward to hearing from you. Even if you are not a widow or widower, but you would like to share a thought or feeling with us, that would be great.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Envelope

 

broken_heart_envelopes-re44116e156dd4ba98c884239f4128b11_w2uq0_8byvr_324

An interesting thing happened to me today.  I received an invitation in the mail to my nephews wedding.  That isn’t anything unusual, nor is it interesting.  People receive invitations every day.  I knew I would be invited, especially since they asked me to do the baking for this event, and also because he is like a son to me.  The interesting thing was the envelope.

Now how and why would an envelope be cause for any kind of discussion? We usually just rip them open, pull out the contents, and throw them into the trash.  This envelope however, brought me to tears, and for one simple reason, the envelope was addressed to me, and me alone, not Mr. & Mrs., just Mrs.  A small detail like that brought me to tears.  It was just another reminder that I am single.  I don’t have my husband, my partner, my best friend with me any longer.  That silly little envelope, nothing more than a piece of paper, felt like a hard slap in the face.

I thought I had gone through everything, and that all the firsts had come and gone.  But no, along comes this white envelope carrying happy news, and my heart feels like it is being ripped open once again.

I used the word “interesting” at the beginning of this blog, and I will tell you why.  It’s not as if I haven’t received mail since my husband passed away.  All the mail that I receive now is addressed to me.  I sometimes even receive mail for Rob, and that does not bring tears to my eyes either, although it used to.  I think what made this situation so interesting was my reaction when I saw the envelope.  I had no idea that I was going to break down and cry.   After 18 months of receiving mail, it was fascinating how one envelope could saddened my heart because of how it was addressed.  No more Mr. & Mrs.

Just when you think you have conquered widowhood, along comes an envelope and it reminds you that you are alone.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

New Book

new book

I read something today that I really liked.  I changed it up a bit so that it would be more relevent to my life, and I shared it on my Widowbabe page on Facebook.  I thought I would share it here in my blog as well.  Here it is:

When I feel totally ready,

I will close the door to the past,

open the door to the future,

take a deep breath,

step on through and,

not start a new chapter in my life, but a new book.

The first line of the original version started off saying “I will close the door to my past”.  That didn’t sit well with me, it even brought tears to my eyes because I didn’t like the idea of closing the door to my past.  It just felt too final, like I had to totally wipe Rob right out of my life, it felt uncomfortable.  Thus, I added my own first line.  The other change I made was in the last line.  The original line said, “start a new chapter in my life”.  I had to change that because, starting a new chapter means that, should I be fortunate enough to meet a new man and fall in love, it will be a continuation of the life that I had with Rob.  That didn’t sit well with me either. My life with Rob will forever be our own lovely book without any further chapters.   My potential new fella and I will start our own lives together, or, our own new book.  Much better.

I know I may sound like I am analyzing this situation much too much, but this is how I feel in my heart, and I believe it is important to follow your heart.  Maybe this is all part of being a widow.  Words and phrases take on a whole new meaning.  I know that I can read something that is totally harmless, and turn it into a very big deal.  I may even go as far as to think that Rob is trying to send me a sign.  Widows are great at reading between the lines.

I have never been a widow before, so I guess, if I really wanted to look closely at it, my new book has already started.  I just haven’t had the opportunity to add any juicy chapters as yet.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The “J” Story Continues

cropped-sunrise1.jpg

I told myself that I had been through enough with the loss of my beloved husband only 18 months ago.  How could I possibly, or a better question is, WHY would I possibly want to go through that heartache again with “J”?  I don’t.  The problem is, “J” has become my friend.  Even though he has cancer, and it brings back terrible memories, can I turn my back on a friend?  The answer is no.

“J” finally told me the truth about the extent of his illness recently, and without divulging too much, he has a very hard, and long road ahead of him.  His cancer is worse than what he originally told me. I kind of knew that something wasn’t completely right, because when I met him for the first time, he didn’t look well.   I have to admit that this upsets me, and not because he is so ill, which is horrible in its self, but because he knew that I lost my husband to cancer.  He should have been upfront with me from the very beginning about having cancer so that I could have made an informed decision as to whether or not I wanted to explore any kind of relationship with him.  I didn’t have all the facts.  Unfair.

I have decided to put everything into the proper perspective.  “J” and I are basically email friends.  We have not made any further plans to see each other, and we both know that any chance of a relationship between us has ended.  We will continue to talk and email each other.  I will not let the cancer scare me off, but I also will not allow myself to become emotionally involved in “J’s” journey…I just can’t.  Thank goodness he has his own family to help him through this. I need to continue on with my life and my own journey, and quite frankly, that still includes grieving for my husband.

All I can say is, this situation sucks!

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Nightmare Wide Awake

cropped-sunrise1.jpg

What are you supposed to to when you finally meet someone who seems to be very kind, sensitive, understanding almost like a dream come true, then he drops a bombshell on you….he has cancer?

This is what has happened to me.  As you know, because I have been blogging about it almost since day one, I have been doing the dating site thing for 5 months.  I have spoken to some very nice men, and have met a few as well.  For some reason, I just haven’t found anybody who I would like to forge, at the very least, a friendship with…(well that is not totally true, there is David, but I will get to him later).   Then approximately three weeks ago, along came “J”. He didn’t actully come along, I contacted him after reading his profile on my dating site.  He sounded so sweet, and he was brave enough to admit he was a little shy.  That was what made me want to contact him.  I like a man who is not too macho, (I hate that word), to post in his profile that he is shy.  Most men love to boast about how out going they are, and that they are the life of the party.  Some even go on to talk about how handsome they are.  I believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so they must be looking in the mirror a awful lot.  Anyway, “J” sounded like someone I wanted to meet.

My instincts were right.  He responded to my message quite quickly, and the first thing I noticed was that he wrote very well.  Grammar was quite good, and no spellling mistakes…I know, I know, I shouldn’t be judging people, this isn’t my classroom.  Anyway, we started an email friendship and then finally a phone call.  We ended up talking for two hours and I realized that we had a lot in common.  We both loved gardening, we both had wonderful relationships with our kids, and we both lost our partners.  I had no idea that he lost his partner because his profile stated that he was divorced.  He explained that he had been dating a woman for 8 months.  She became ill and passed away, so I realized that he truly could understand the concept of grieving.  This is great!  What?  How could I think such a thing?  This is great that he lost someone who he loved?  Had I lost my mind?  No, I was just feeling relief and kind of happy that I met someone who could totally understand exactly what I went through, and how I was feeling.  I didn’t have to explain anything to him, he just knew.

“J” was a pleasure to talk to, and I was starting to think that I may have met a man who I would like to, first become friends with, and then see where it takes us.  During one of our conversations, he mentioned that he was going into the city for the day to an appointment.  I don’t know why, but my radar, or was it woman’s intuition,  whatever it was, it was going off like a siren.  I got flashbacks of taking my husband downtown to the hospital when he received his diagnosis, but why should that have anything to do with “J’s” appointment?  I finally had to ask him what kind of appointment he was going to, hoping he would say it was business.  Obviously if he had wanted me to know what he was doing, he would have told me. I guess he didn’t think I would be that nosey, and now he had no choice but to spills the beans about his little excursion. I practically demanded to know why he was going into the city.  It was for a doctor’s appointment.  My heart was beating so hard and he hadn’t even told me his story yet.

He was diagnosed with prostate cancer 5 years ago.  He had his prostate removed, and had been cancer free ever since.  This was just his yearly follow up, and he wasn’t the least bit concerned.  I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck….the Jewish in me, or was it just deja vu?   Unfortunately it was deja vu because he didn’t get the news that he was confident he was going to hear.  This time his PSA numbers were very high which he explained meant that his cancer may have returned.  The doctor told him that he would need a cat scan and a bone scan to determine if the cancer was back.

I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare, only I was wide awake.  I knew I had only one option…stay away from this guy!

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment